I just want to put a note here saying that this post is very much a thought process, it is not really structured, I was feeling very down and started to write to try to understand why and what I was feeling. It helped but I still feel the same. Reading it back I can see more clearly that I find it hard to cope with being seeing as female and that I wish either the world was different to fit me or that I was different to fit the world. I also see that I am doing the right thing, even though I find it hard to involve others in my transition, I know that having a male body and being seen as male will ultimately make me feel more at home in this world because my body will fit my mind.
I definitely feel guilty. Guilty that I am putting other people through my problem. Is it my problem? I don’t know. I feel guilty for even feeling like this, like it’s not valid, I tell myself it is and I feel like societies gender norms are so fucked up. But I don’t fit them so maybe it is my fault and not societies gender norms being fucked up, I mean everyone else fits them so is it just me being wrong. I feel guilty because I make other people uncomfortable, they don’t know if I’m male or female sometimes and for some reason it matters to them. Am I projecting my own un-comfortableness with my body onto them? I’m only trying to be myself and be as happy as I can in a place I don’t belong. I’m not doing it on purpose. I wish I was different, I wish I had a male body or a female mind. It’s so unfair. Why am I fucked up. I don’t want to be. I don’t want to make these choices. I don’t want to have to tell people something that should be obvious but isn’t, something that is actually very personal about yourself but that we take for granted that everyone knows or has the right to know. I hate this. The world is so obsessed with gender, binary, black and white, male and female gender. Its something that everyone wants to know but no one really talks about it unless its because they don’t know or they think it matters. To me, it doesn’t really matter. That sounds weird coming from someone who is changing their gender. What I mean is that I don’t think gender matters when it comes to things like jobs, toys, colours, names, sports etc. I think gender matters in terms of sexuality and physical health. But then maybe I’m talking about a persons sex then. Maybe I am ok with my gender being male but I’m not ok with my sex being female. Yeah that’s it. So sex matters but gender doesn’t. And society just has the two in the same box. They assume because your sex in one that your gender is the same. I don’t know I’m just writing down thoughts now…
Its frustrating that people treat you differently because of the gender they perceive you as. Even if its not majorly different, it may be just the language they use etc. For me I feel much more comfortable when people use male pronouns. If someone uses female pronouns or says ma’am etc I feel like a fucking idiot. I guess because there I am with my short hair, chest bound and clothes from the men’s department, clearly expressing myself as male, and they just see straight passed it, straight through me, expose me, out me, remind me, tell me I’m wrong, I can’t, I’m not a man. And I know that’s not really their fault. I know that that is my dysphoria, my problem. It still hurts though. And I do think that people should be more aware and less afraid of gender, if someone is clearly presenting themselves as male or female but for some reason you’re not sure about their gender, respect them and either use the correct pronoun, or use something neutral like they/their if you’re afraid of offending someone.
I am struggling to express why my gender matters so much to me when I feel like it shouldn’t matter to anyone else. I guess its because even though maybe I think it shouldn’t matter, it does. Fact. People care what gender you are, its a human instinct, even I care what gender you are, well maybe care not so much, but I notice. So because my gender in my head is male, I feel male and feel most at ease with myself when others see me as male, I want my body to reflect that so that others see me as male all the time and I can be at ease with myself around others. I also want my body to feel like my own. Now I feel like my body is almost separate from me, like it’s not mine. I feel a bit silly and embarrassed having it to be honest because its a woman’s. And I like women! I just don’t want to be in a woman’s body. That doesn’t mean I don’t think women’s bodies are amazing or that women are in anyway less than men, its just that I want to be in the right body for my mind. If I could change my mind to fit my body, I guess it would be easier maybe, but I like my mind, I like being male minded, I don’t hate who I am (outside of all this gender stuff), so I guess I wouldn’t. I’d rather have a body to fit my mind. I’m doing my best to make that happen, at the end of the day I’m just trying to feel right in myself. I try to pass and ease my dysphoria by having my hair short, binding my chest, packing sometimes, working out to build muscles, running to lose fat etc. just so I feel more normal, it’s entirely selfish and I guess that’s part of why I feel guilty about it. I feel like I’m dragging other people into it, my family, friends and wife, they support me but I wish they didn’t have to, I wish I had just been born in the right body and never had to question it or think about it like this. It feels unfair that I have to spend my limited time here on Earth correcting something that nature should have got right and everyone else doesn’t have to. I guess that’s what every transgender person feels. Maybe, I don’t know.
Its a big mess of confusing thoughts and feelings and I’m just trying to make sense of it all.